Dear Heartbroken Zelensky,

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Oh, dear! Heartache and fiscal woes? Grab a giant spoon and let’s dive into a tub of sympathy ice cream together, for Auntie Agony has heard the sorrowful tale of your dwindling financial romance with that spendthrift suitor from across the sea – the USA.

Now, Zelensky, darling, we’ve watched this American romance movie before, haven’t we? It’s always dazzling at first – oh, the charm of those dollars, the thrilling nights under the star-spangled banner, and the heroic promises of perpetual aid. It was a cozy, albeit complex, love affair, entwining you in a dance of diplomatic dalliances and monetary promises.

Yet, I did try to caution you, sweetheart. The USA, while an exciting lover with its awe-inspiring tricks (those drones! those sanctions!), does indeed have a high body count and has been known to love bomb quite a bit. A bit of a Casanova of international relations, if you will. They court you with their mighty military might, woo you with the allure of abundant appropriations, and then, alas, the purse strings suddenly draw tighter.

Your sweet geopolitical heart must have skipped a beat when Mr. John Kirby, that harbinger of fiscal heartbreak, whispered about reaching the “end of the rope.” Oof, the financial equivalent of “it’s not you, it’s me, I could say a thousand good things about you” – and oh, how the romantic dominoes begin to tumble.

And oh, that $44 billion whirlwind romance! It’s like a fiscal fairy tale where suddenly, you find yourself wondering if your budgetary prince charming might turn into a fiscal frog.

But let’s dry those eyes, dear Zelensky. Love (and international funding) is a battlefield, and though the war chest is nearing empty, the heart still beats strong with strategic affection. It’s time to pen those love letters to Congress, whisper sweet fiscal enticements, and perhaps rekindle the monetary romance that once blossomed so abundantly.

Let’s not forget poor Kevin McCarthy. Cast aside in a coup de coeur of the House! His public heartbreak could be a Shakespearean tragedy – ousted, embarrassed, and now merely a forlorn specter of Speakers past.

But keep a hopeful heart, dear Zelensky. Steve Scalise, potentially your new fiscal Cupid, may yet find an arrow to pierce the stoic heart of congressional appropriations, bringing forth a blossoming of financial amour once more.

So, keep your chin up, and those diplomatic channels open. Love, especially the kind that is quantified in financial aid, will find a way, even through the most tangled of political webs.

Sending all the love and sympathy to navigate the stormy seas of international romance,

Your Ever-Devoted Agony Aunt